Starting Again From Where I’ve Already Been Before

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September 10, 2012 by Lindsey

I’ve been avoiding it, but today I got up and weighed myself.

Ugh.

I needed to face the gains–and I did. But somehow I still feel disconnected from this body. I’m not sure which body I belong in, but I know which one I want– the “just right” one!

This morning I felt like I made a good commitment to “getting serious” about this latest weight loss effort. I had a good made up workout, doing my at home BodyJam using a YouTube video of BJ 61 (I miss this class- definitely not as fun by yourself but better than the dreadmill).

I did a few weights, but definitely not enough to make me feel sore (or strong?). Then came “After.” Instead of feeling a post-workout high, I wanted to eat. I wanted to relieve the stress haunting me for days.

I went to the kitchen with the best intentions of making a healthy meal, but in the back of my mind…..I knew I wanted to eat cereal. A lot of it.

So I did.

Stuffing away the stress helped. I was semi- cognizant of my actions, but I couldn’t totally convince myself that what I was doing was not going to help as much as I wanted to and believed that it could.

Giving into that craving felt like a rush of relief–for a moment. The whole eating bonanza lasted about an hour.

After, the same pattern emerged that does EVERY TIME I do this, but I can’t seem to get myself NOT to do it.

I felt too full (as I always do), very regretful (as I always do), and not any closer to a healthy relationship with food (as I always do).

The rest of the afternoon, I felt sluggish. The weather is gorgeous outside and I felt like I could enjoy it. I felt like a big   heavy balloon. Food, eating, my body was all I could think about (not that this is new).

I was struggling to stay awake. Obviously, motivation for getting more exercise today disappeared. Not even a walk outside seemed appealing.

My mom called and offered to take a walk with me. I dragged my leaden body around the block with her, trying to distract myself from my distended tummy. I’ve been mistaken for being pregnant before and I hate to think that could happen again now.

I felt better after the walk. Calmer, more focused, a little more energetic. Why can’t I seem to replace a healthy habit for stress relief with my bad Cereal Binge Monster habits?

I took my satellite radio out for a walk. I am behind the times– no iPod, no iPhone, no iPad, not even a smartphone. I listened to an almost entire program of “This American Life,” about two families divided by a controversial story about a kidnapping. It captured my attention enough that I walked and walked and walked and was able to enjoy the weather.

Next time, I definitely need to listen to this “This American Life” podcast about self-sabotage in all aspects of life. I mean, okay,  I don’t eat foods that I have allergic reactions to, but I know that overeating is not helping me fight body battles. I acknowledge that self-sabotage is another one of my “big problems” that need solving before I make it to my “just right” body, self, and mind.

I’m really trying hard to incorporate cognitive therapy principles into my latest attempts (when I am not eating ridiculous amounts of cereal). The Beck Diet Solution has a lot of “common sense” thought and behavior changing suggestions that are harder to get yourself to do than you might think. I guess it just takes practice and commitment, like everything else. I do appreciate and identify with a lot of the points she makes. That’s a good first step, right?

In need of some fresh insight, a new perspective, and camaraderie with others suffering the same battles, I’m excited to head to FitBloggin in about 2 weeks.

I’m hoping it helps me build upon my healthy living and fitness goals–and also helps me be a better blogger, so I can share my story in ways that can empathize with and inspire others dealing with the same mind-boggling food issues.

Until then, I’m trying—no– I’m going to stay away from the cereal.

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