Weight Loss Attempt #1: It Went Great! Then Horribly Wrong.

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September 27, 2012 by Lindsey

If you’ve read my My Story post or my Intro to Goldilocks post, you know I’ve done a weight loss program– Weight Watchers, to be specific–before. I did it successfully, I might add, on my own. I used Weight Watchers Online and it was great, for a time. Until I veered off course.

Pre- Weight Watchers: For a long time, I was convinced weight loss wasn’t meant for me. (Um, now I know it’s for me. And you, too.) You can read more about this in My Story.

Pre- and Post- Weight Watchers: For a long time, I was stress-eating, emotional eating, and bingeing. (By “a long time”: I mean I’m still doing this. Unfortunately.)

With Weight Watchers (first time around), I got to goal…and beyond. Then my mom’s sudden cancer diagnosis and graduation from college (hello, stress!) made me lose touch with my mindful weight loss efforts. I just kept doing what I had been doing with eating and exercise, because I had too much other stuff to think about and taking care of my mom took priority over taking care of anything related to me.

So, I just kept losing. Too much. I didn’t even realize it, until a close friend told me I was too thin. I honestly thought that was impossible, since I had been overweight practically my whole life. Since that day, I’ve never really connected with my body. Hence why I am looking for my “just right,” a body I can feel at home in and can call my own.

At 175 pounds, my too-big body didn’t feel like me. But I thought I was destined to be “big.”

Then…

I got close to goal and it felt awesome! For about 3 months. Due to life stresses and the lack of a weight loss support system, almost unconsciously, I kept losing more and more.

Then…

At 95 pounds, I felt unlike myself in my too-small body. I didn’t really even feel alive. It was the worst part of this whole journey. Except for recovery, which, was worth it. But obviously didn’t solve everything…

Because now…

My 185 pound too-big-again body is totally confusing because I was a healthy weight for about…..6 months in the past 6 years.

Searching for the “Just Right” Me

So I don’t even know what healthy really looks like. I can only try to remember how I felt in those 6 months. What I do know (from journaling years ago) is my weight at that time. So that is my new goal. It’s approved by my doctor and family. I think I will feel strong, not slim. I think I will be able to enjoy food, people, and experiences like I never was able to–especially when I was too thin. Doing anything other than thinking about food or exercising was nearly impossible.

I just want to feel like the “just right” me: confident, powerful, and ambitious.

I don’t want to feel slow, scared, and ashamed anymore. It’s exhausting.

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