September 27, 2012 by Lindsey
If you’ve read my My Story post or my Intro to Goldilocks post, you know I’ve done a weight loss program– Weight Watchers, to be specific–before. I did it successfully, I might add, on my own. I used Weight Watchers Online and it was great, for a time. Until I veered off course.
Pre- Weight Watchers: For a long time, I was convinced weight loss wasn’t meant for me. (Um, now I know it’s for me. And you, too.) You can read more about this in My Story.
Pre- and Post- Weight Watchers: For a long time, I was stress-eating, emotional eating, and bingeing. (By “a long time”: I mean I’m still doing this. Unfortunately.)
With Weight Watchers (first time around), I got to goal…and beyond. Then my mom’s sudden cancer diagnosis and graduation from college (hello, stress!) made me lose touch with my mindful weight loss efforts. I just kept doing what I had been doing with eating and exercise, because I had too much other stuff to think about and taking care of my mom took priority over taking care of anything related to me.
So, I just kept losing. Too much. I didn’t even realize it, until a close friend told me I was too thin. I honestly thought that was impossible, since I had been overweight practically my whole life. Since that day, I’ve never really connected with my body. Hence why I am looking for my “just right,” a body I can feel at home in and can call my own.
At 175 pounds, my too-big body didn’t feel like me. But I thought I was destined to be “big.”
I got close to goal and it felt awesome! For about 3 months. Due to life stresses and the lack of a weight loss support system, almost unconsciously, I kept losing more and more.
At 95 pounds, I felt unlike myself in my too-small body. I didn’t really even feel alive. It was the worst part of this whole journey. Except for recovery, which, was worth it. But obviously didn’t solve everything…
My 185 pound too-big-again body is totally confusing because I was a healthy weight for about…..6 months in the past 6 years.
Searching for the “Just Right” Me
So I don’t even know what healthy really looks like. I can only try to remember how I felt in those 6 months. What I do know (from journaling years ago) is my weight at that time. So that is my new goal. It’s approved by my doctor and family. I think I will feel strong, not slim. I think I will be able to enjoy food, people, and experiences like I never was able to–especially when I was too thin. Doing anything other than thinking about food or exercising was nearly impossible.
I just want to feel like the “just right” me: confident, powerful, and ambitious.
I don’t want to feel slow, scared, and ashamed anymore. It’s exhausting.